


Not Gone

by Joyous32



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Affectionate Gansey, Asexual Henry Cheng, Because Henry, Dissociation, Drinking Games Without the Alcohol, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fourth of July, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Other, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-09 11:15:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20993903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joyous32/pseuds/Joyous32
Summary: "Gansey had become weirdly more affectionate this summer. It had started out with hand holding...However, it wasn’t just with Blue that Gansey had become more affectionate."





	1. Broken Pieces

Gansey had become weirdly more affectionate this summer. It had started out with hand holding. Blue didn’t mind this. They were together now, officially, and there was nothing in the world that could stop them from assuring each other of their presence. Hand holding and kisses in public were nothing strange to them now.

However, it wasn’t just with Blue that Gansey had become more affectionate. Ronan didn't act as though he realized. Gansey’s legs thrown across his lap as the two lounged across a couch. Gansey’s arm draped around Ronan’s neck.

When it escalated to Gansey bodily grabbing someone to be sure of their attention, Ronan continued to take it in stride. “Ronan, you understand that we’re not leaving you,” Gansey claimed. His hands squeezed at Ronan’s arms to be sure that the other boy was paying attention to him. Ronan placed his hands on Gansey’s shoulders in response, looking at their feet. Another few inches and their foreheads would be pressed together. “We’re coming back. Every chance we get.”

It was some sort of assurance to Gansey, Blue had realized, and Ronan understood. It was possible Ronan appreciated the sentiment. Partially, Gansey just wanted Ronan to look at him, to pay attention to his words. But it was also a physical reassurance that Gansey was _there_.

_Ronan_ was there. The demon had tried to unmake Ronan, but he was okay. He was physically present and mentally—mostly—sound. Gansey had died. Twice. But that hadn’t stopped Gansey from coming back to his family. This family that he had found. College couldn’t stop him from returning either.

When Gansey tried this level of affection with Adam, the boy had seized up, ready for a fight. “Wait, listen to me, Adam, I—”

“What are you doing?” Adam had snapped as Gansey gripped his arms. Gansey didn’t seem to understand until Adam shook him off. Gansey’s hands pulled back like he had been burned. He took a step back but maintained eye contact.

Gansey remained more careful with Adam for a while. He continued draping himself over Ronan, cradling Blue’s face in his hands, but he kept some distance with Adam.

One day, in pure excitement when Ronan had gotten somewhere with his new Cabeswater, Gansey wrapped his arms around Adam and squeezed, lifting him off the ground in his joy. Adam had thrown his limbs out in a balancing act, but then hugged back. Gansey seemed to learn from this.

Adam began to handle Gansey’s hugs like he handled Opal’s need for his attention. Blue sometimes waited for him to pat Gansey’s head and say something like, ‘_Okay, that’s nice, dear_’.

When Gansey arrived last to the Barns one night, he found Ronan and Adam curled up on one side of the couch with Blue leaned against the other. They were watching some documentary that Gansey suspected Adam had put on. Rather than take his spot between Adam and Blue, Gansey lay himself out so that his feet were in Ronan’s lap and his head in Blue’s.

“Do you mind?” Adam had asked, but Gansey just turned over to poke Adam in the nose. Nothing more was said on the subject.

Blue had long gotten used to finding Gansey with his head rested against Ronan’s shoulder as Ronan played with Chainsaw or his iPod. When she walked in on Adam reading with Gansey fast asleep against his shoulder, she had raised her eyebrows in surprise. Adam did a double take and then turned red. “He’s getting weird about this,” Adam grumbled out, and Blue gave a single nod.

As Gansey quickly became more affectionate, Adam slowly got used to it. When Gansey decided he needed to play with Adam’s hand—perhaps attempting to figure out Ronan’s fascination with them—Adam raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Adam was accustomed now to Gansey entwining their legs as they rested against either arm of a couch.

It was one night while they all sat around watching TV in the Barns that Adam finally spoke up. Adam and Ronan were on the floor since Opal had started out wanting them to play a puzzle with her. She had gotten distracted and run off. Gansey and Blue were draped across the couch behind them.

Gansey was running his fingers through Adam’s hair, cooing about how Ronan didn’t have any and Blue never let him mess hers up since she often had it pinned back. He said Adam’s hair was soft, and Adam responded with, “why are you so physically affectionate, lately?”

The room tensed as Gansey turned bright red, his hands quickly withdrawn. They could still hear Opal messing around with Chainsaw in the other room. “I—I don’t…Um…” Gansey stuttered out. Normally so eloquent, Blue hated to see him like this.

“Never mind. It’s not like it matters.” Adam shrugged.

“Do you hate it?” Gansey finally asked. 

“No.” Adam’s tone didn’t give room for further discussion. He seemed to be mentally questioning why he had asked in a room full of people. Even if it were just the four of them, Adam was too private of a person to admit the full truth. That when Gansey reached for Adam’s cheek, Adam’s natural response was to duck from a hit. Gansey had realized this and was trying his best to accustom Adam to soft touches. He knew Adam had his boundaries and Gansey did everything he could to remember where they were while still pressing Adam to enjoy physical affection. He loved his friends too much to deny any of them his simple touches.

But then, Blue supposed that Gansey has his own demons to consider, too. Were those moments in his deaths pure nothingness, or were they dark and cold and lonely? Was Gansey plagued with dreams of his found family leaving him? Did he still fear the people he loved disappearing before his very eyes, like Noah had?

In response to Adam’s simple question that night, Gansey spent the rest wrapped bodily around Blue, holding her tight. She squeezed back, as if attempting to stick his more broken pieces back together.


	2. Glorified Fruit Punch

Then came Henry and things began falling into place. It was the Fourth of July, and none of them were in the mood for fireworks. Ronan was grumpier than usual, but Henry’s presence evened out the overall mood of the group. He had brought a bottle of something with a long name that Blue didn’t remember and said it was for drinking games.

So, they played, and there was no such thing as an easy start. “Never have I ever had sex,” Henry began, and Ronan shifted his eyebrows at him as he drank. Adam was blushing as he did so too, though Blue and Gansey abstained.

“You could just ask, lover boy,” Ronan taunted, and then picked up the bottle that was sitting on the ground in the middle of their circle. He inspected the label.

“I just did.”

“Never have I ever kissed a girl who wasn’t my mother or mother figure…or goat daughter,” Blue cut in.

“Well, now, that’s not fair,” Gansey claimed as he drank with Henry. “Never have I ever kissed a boy,” Gansey determined confidently, but then frowned and drank. Everyone drank.

“Moron,” Ronan voiced.

“So many stories right now,” Blue commented.

“Two?” Adam was choking suddenly.

“We’re not playing story time,” Ronan retorted.

“Like you don’t want to know what that was about?” Blue stuck a thumb out at a red Gansey, but then realized that Ronan’s facial expression matched Gansey’s. “Oh, _really_?” Blue clasped her hands together as she glanced between the two boys.

Adam squinted his eyes at Ronan. “Was he any good?” Adam asked his boyfriend. Blue and Henry burst out laughing as Ronan groaned and Gansey attempted to change the subject.

“What, were you drunk, Dick Three?” Henry cut in.

“We were…checking something,” Gansey finally offered.

“Your sexuality?” Blue raised an eyebrow as Ronan glared back.

“Something like that,” Gansey choked out.

“You didn’t answer me.” Adam raised an eyebrow, his eyes still boring a hole into Ronan’s skull.

“It’s your turn,” Ronan insisted.

“Never have I ever enjoyed kissing Gansey.” Adam shrugged and Ronan drank along with Blue. Ronan glared Adam down the entire time, but Adam just raised his eyebrows, curiosity sated. Gansey looked like a deer caught in headlights.

“Now, I want to try enjoying kissing Gansey,” Henry complained.

“I’m sure he wouldn’t protest,” Adam grunted out.

“What?” Gansey’s voice cracked.

“I won’t protest either, if that holds any sway,” Blue offered, patting Gansey’s knee.

“Hm, another time, maybe.” Henry seemed to sense Gansey’s discomfort.

“Gansey, I dare you to kiss Henry and Adam,” Ronan announced, and they all turned to look at him in utter confusion.

“That is not the game we are playing,” Henry pointed out.

“I choose truth,” Gansey requested lamely.

“Nah, we’ve had our truths.” Ronan waved him off, staring him down with a shark smile.

“Why are you so against kissing me?” Adam narrowed his eyes curiously at Gansey.

“I’m not invading your privacy over a drinking game, Adam.” Gansey’s hand on Blue’s tightened.

“If I say it’s okay, you haven’t invaded it,” Adam remarked.

“You haven’t said anything.”

“It’s okay.” 

“This is alcohol, right?” Blue whispered to Henry. Despite the heavy conversation, none of them seemed a bit affected by the drinks in their hands. Tensions were rising and nobody seemed the least bit drowsy.

“No,” Henry whispered back, and Blue closed her eyes as she came to her own understanding of the situation at hand. Ronan knew it wasn’t alcohol—he had checked the label. Adam was probably just as clueless as she was as to what alcohol tasted like. That left her wondering whether Gansey knew he was drinking glorified fruit punch.

“Henry first,” Gansey determined, and Henry looked delighted. Blue switched places with Gansey in their circle on the floor so that the boys were next to each other.

Gansey cradled Henry’s cheeks as he exhaled sharply and then leaned in. It was supposed to be a simple press of lips, but Gansey didn’t do anything halfway, and Henry lived in the moment too much to let him get away with anything less. When they finally pulled away, their foreheads rested together until Henry backed up, looking triumphant.

“I can tell you as well, Adam, that Gansey is enjoyable to kiss.”

Gansey leaned across the circle to place one hand on Adam’s shoulder. He used his other hand to tilt Adam’s jaw upwards and then placed a gentle kiss against Adam’s lips. Adam placed his hands on Gansey’s cheeks as he kissed back, but then let Gansey pull away a little faster than he had with Henry.

Gansey avoided eye contact. “Ronan. I dare you to sing the entirety of an Irish jig right here and now.”

“Or I drink, right?” Ronan asked, and Gansey shot him his dad look. They all laughed as Ronan took another drink.

“Blue, I dare you to kiss someone who is not your boyfriend,” Henry declared. Blue gave Gansey a knowing glance, but then reached across him to give Henry a peck on the lips. This, Henry allowed. “Well, I thank you, m’lady.”

“Henry, are you bisexual?” Gansey asked.

“No! Blue’s turn.” Henry’s smile never faded.

“Wait, I have a follow up question.” Gansey cut in, but Blue patted his hand. Gansey’s hand flipped over to hold hers.

“Henry, what is your sexuality?” Blue asked for her turn.

“Should we leave you three to it, or…?” Ronan grumbled, but was ignored.

“I am asexual! Adam’s turn.”

“Why are you so okay with kissing everyone if you’re asexual?” Adam asked, paying no mind to Ronan’s groan.

“I’m feeling…geh—it starts with a ‘g’. Ganged up on?” Henry suggested with a slight tilt to his head.

“Only now?” Ronan grunted.

“You can drink.” Blue suggested with a smirk. If Henry honestly seemed upset, they would have stopped. He seemed more intrigued as to where the conversation was going. 

“No, I must school you. Asexual has nothing to do with kissing. Asexual is not liking sex. Kissing, I like.” Henry gave a shrug.

“So, you’re like, what’s the word… ‘panromantic’, right?” Ronan asked.

“Yes! I dare everyone to stick their tongues up their noses!”


	3. Returning the Favor

Henry was the influence upon Gansey that had made him so affectionate. Blue wasn’t sure at first, but as Henry became a normal fixture in their group, she became definite in her discovery. Henry had a habit of pressing his forehead against other people’s, to say goodbye or to calm someone.

Gansey seemed so used to this form of affection that he practiced it with the others, of course. With Blue, it was nothing to comment on, but when he did it with Ronan—

“You gonna kiss me, Dick? I’ll have you know I’m taken,” Ronan stated, but Gansey just laughed, pulling away with a simple squeeze to Ronan’s shoulders.

It became normal anyway. The group practiced forehead presses to the point that they all knew the intimate details of Gansey’s and Henry’s faces against theirs. It was a bit of joke between them all, but that didn’t stop Gansey or Henry, who both knew that the others didn’t really mind.

One afternoon, they were all seated out by the Pig at the Barns. They had traveled deep into the fields and were surrounded by cows and the occasional deer that would pop up. Opal enjoyed scaring the deer away while her humans lunched.

They were discussing the upcoming trip that Gansey, Henry, and Blue had planned for the following year when suddenly Gansey’s hand went slack in Blue’s. She thought nothing of it, continuing the conversation, but then Ronan called, “Gansey.”

They all turned to look at Gansey. His eyes had gone blank, but now he was furiously blinking them, inhaling sharply. “Shit, man. It’s never this bad.” Ronan stood as Gansey leaned slightly over onto Blue. Ronan placed his hand on Gansey’s chest to stop him from falling forward. “Gansey!” He rubbed a hand up and down Gansey’s arm.

“What’s—?” Blue didn’t even know what to ask. She simply took Gansey’s hand in hers again and squeezed.

“Sorry,” Gansey slurred, bringing a hand up to rub at his eyes.

“He dissociates,” Ronan explained, watching Gansey’s eyes carefully as he came back to them.

“Gansey, you’re at the Barns,” Henry announced. “You’re with Ronan, and Blue, and me, and Adam. Opal’s here, too. Can you hear me, Gansey? It’s Tuesday, July nineteenth, 2016. You’ve just graduated—”

“’Enry,” Gansey called, a lazy smile gracing his lips.

“Was he ever going to tell us?” Adam asked, furrowing his eyebrows. Opal had crawled into his lap, watching the proceedings from a safe distance.

“It’s obvious if you watch for it,” Ronan answered.

“God, I hope not.” Gansey gave a small smile and then shook his head, breathing deeply. “I’m fine. Sorry about that.”

“What causes it?” Adam asked.

“Dying.” Gansey shrugged, his hand tightening on Blue’s.

“No, I mean, here in this moment, what caused that? Ronan said it’s not normally so bad.”

“I’ve died twice now. And, more recently.” Gansey shrugged again. “I don’t know what triggers it. But it’s like, I don’t know where I am in time. Or space.”

“Touch helps,” Henry remarked, and they all glanced from him back to Gansey. Gansey smiled at him.

“You’d know,” Gansey replied as Henry reached over to grab Gansey’s other hand. And then it clicked in Blue’s head.

“You’ve helped him through this before.” Blue looked to Ronan, who glared back, shifting uncomfortably. He scratched his head and avoided eye contact. 

“It’s not normally so bad. He normally snaps out of it after a few seconds.”

“I’ve died again,” Gansey said almost conversationally. Like he had only now come to this realization despite having just said the same thing only moments before. 

“Yes, we know,” Ronan snapped. He grabbed at Gansey’s hair and glared with an intensity only Ronan could manage. “You said you’d stay.”

_But Gansey hadn’t been gone. Not really._

“I’m not leaving.”

_Then Blue remembered. _

“Don’t go somewhere I can’t get you, Gansey,” Ronan barked.

_Aurora Lynch. _

“Never.” Gansey smiled tiredly back at his friend.

Except Gansey wasn’t a dream thing that Ronan could replace, and all would be okay.

Gansey’s dissociation had looked far too much like Aurora before she had woken in Cabeswater. His body had slackened visibly, but that was the only difference. 

How had Ronan dealt with this alone? How had he managed to keep this secret when it was so clear how his heart must now be racing? Ronan was both the most and least qualified person to deal with these episodes of Gansey’s. Most in that he was constantly _with _Gansey; he knew what touch meant to the boy. Least in that it should have thrown Ronan into episodes of his own.

Blue’s heart panged in her chest.

Another afternoon, Blue was busy working at Nino’s. She smiled when she saw Henry and Gansey walk in, and waved. They waved back as they continued their discussion, most likely history related.

When she was on her break, she headed over to sit with them to find that the discussion revolved around whatever had happened this day in history each year past. It seemed to be a kind of contest to see who knew more about this specific date. “Nerds,” Blue had breathed, and the boys just laughed.

The day was hot, so when the ice machine from the kitchen struggled to kick in, it was no surprise. The hum was normal, just audible now from the front of the restaurant.

When she looked at Gansey however, his eyes startled her into action. At first, she thought it was another dissociative episode, but his eyes were too frantic as they gazed back toward the kitchen.

_Swarm_, Gansey’s eyes insisted.

“It’s just the ice machine,” Blue promised him. Gansey was shaking and clammy when Blue took his hand. He finally inhaled sharply.

“Hey, hey, Gansey-boy.” Henry reached over to take Gansey’s other hand in his. Something like a sob sounded from deep within Gansey’s chest and Blue’s heart broke. “Come here,” Henry whispered and dragged Gansey closer to himself. He rested Gansey’s head against his shoulder, holding him together bodily as Blue squeezed Gansey’s hand. “You’re safe, you’re alright,” Henry promised.

“You’re just at Nino’s, Gansey. We’re here with you. Henry and Blue. You’re okay,” Blue added.

“Sorry,” Gansey squeaked out.

“Don’t be,” Blue demanded.

“Thank you,” Gansey offered instead, and this Blue allowed.

After a few moments, he shifted in Henry's arms to face outward and Blue saw the blush on his face. She gave him a gentle smile and he smiled back, closing his eyes. "That was embarrassing," he attempted to chuckle out. 

"Don't be," Blue repeated. "When your mind sends itself into fight or flight, you shouldn't be embarrassed. You've dealt with enough, Gansey." At least now, Blue thought, he had people he could rely on at times like these. They could be with him during these terrors. "Don't shut us out when you're hurting, okay? We want to help when we have that ability. Just like you help us."

"Let us return the favor," Henry added and Gansey sat up, rubbing at his eyes. 

"What favor do you have to return, Henry?" Gansey asked, but Henry just smiled knowingly. There was a lot that Henry accredited to Gansey that the rest of them didn't quite understand. Henry didn't seem to know how to explain, and even Gansey didn't comprehend. But Gansey trusted that Henry truly meant what he did not say. Henry truly had some affection and admiration for them all, but most of all, for Gansey. 


End file.
